In (e)motion

A phrase I heard on the radio today struck me oddly.  Forgetting the context for a second, the speaker said "come on, that was high school".  As in, "that was years ago, it means nothing now".  The funny thing was, his was attempting to explain cheating on his wife with an old girlfriend - a sad bit of illogic to my ears and equally unimpressive to his wife.

The phrase got me thinking tangentially though. How much can a person let go of and overcome the events of their past emotionally? It's one thing to overcome obstacles and be successful. But what's the impact of good and bad experiences on our personalities, our psyches, our worldview? Are there really experiences one cannot recover from, or is it our choice not to recover?

I've spent most of my adult life not crying. My wife finds it disturbing sometimes that even at the darkest times in our lives I haven't teared up a bit. I've always been secretly pleased with my reserve and stoicism.

A few months ago, we lost our cat. He was with us for a few years, as we adopted him as a stray when he was about twelve. My wife was very attached to him, my sons adored him, and he was quite attached to me. He'd follow me around the house, always taking an opportunity to perch in my lap if I was sitting. He'd expect me to provide him with treats when I got home from work. We were pals hanging out watching TV after everyone else was asleep.

When he passed, I was there at the vet with him at my wife's request. As I petted him, knowing he was soon to leave and knowing how broken up my wife and sons were at home, I felt something I hadn't felt in years.  A constricting in my throat, a wetness around my eyelids.

As I sit at my computer tonight a neighbor cat that always came to visit our cat walked into our yard and stared into our window. And three months later, I'm back in those final moments of our first family pet.  And I'm back in my own childhood, when the world was sometimes just too big and difficult to stay cool. My throat is tight and the tears are back.

I don't know if "emotional" is a quality I'm shooting for in Me 2.0.  But I may be getting it.

Woke up angry

Today, I woke up angry. Angry at myself.

I think it is time to reinvent myself, again. I do this every four or five years. It usually goes well, however, I'm not as excited about the realization that it's time. I'm usually looking forward to change.

I should be looking forward to a change. I'm not happy with my relationships, my career or my health. Is this what happens when you get old?

I hope not.

An apology: for the sum of my negligence

First, a little about me:
I was born in 1967. I think that makes me part of the tail of the Baby Boom or a member of Generation X. Honestly I haven't been able to nail down a consistent definition. To tell the truth, I don't feel I belong to either group, as many of my interests align better with Gen Y. Maybe that's why I feel so isolated. I've been thinking I'd feel less isolated if I reached out. Honestly I don't know to whom I should reach or how. Most of the people my age that I went to school with are in different stages of their lives - they had children earlier or later than I did, they stayed in the same career or jobs longer than me or never moved from the places I've lived and moved on from.

Do you ever look up people you knew on Google and say to yourself, "why didn't I stay in touch with that person, they were so ____________ (Fill in your own word at the blank - cool/funny/interesting/gorgeous/etc.). It's inevitably a disappointing and slightly depressing exercise that I'm not sure I would recommend. However, if you also partake in this self-torturous activity, have you ever actually contacted those people? What do you say? Do you have any suggestions on what you would say? Something that would give those people a positive impression, spurring their interest in contacting you back?

I recently tried this very thing unsuccessfully. I sent an email to an old business colleague, one who'd started an interesting company with a great human interest angle. I actually just emailed him to say the company seemed like an amazing idea and also to compliment his website, which was quite eye-catching. I hadn't seen him in years, but he was always a gregarious person and I'd thought he might send a brief hello back. However it's been days and I've heard nothing.

More frightening, particularly to introverted old me, is that I actually care a lot that I haven't heard. Suddenly I'm discovering that my neglected relationships with old colleagues, friends and other acquaintances matter more to me than I expected. If that's true I'm wondering how much it meant to all those people that I let our relationship lapse. Maybe individually it's not that much of a deal, but in the aggregate how many people have I let down? How do I measure the sum of my negligence? It's occurring to me that while I may be smart, I may also have something else besides my interests in common with Gen Y...I may still have some emotional growing up to do.

I'm ready to reinvent myself. However I feel responsible for my past negligence with relationships. I want to say sorry, my old colleagues and friends, sincerely sorry for failing to stay in touch with you. I really did and still do care. I'm (anonymously) apologizing here but wanted to leave a record in case we never again cross paths. 

I'd like to send my deepest apologies to some very important people in my progress towards being an emotionally healthy person:

• My first few girlfriends - Sorry I was so immature that I screwed up being friends. I learned alot about friendships and relationships from several of you.
  
• My first real heartbreak - I wish we'd sayed in touch. Meeting you was a pivotal moment in my life.
  
• My college yearbook editors - you really made a shinier, happier guy out of me.
• My fraternity brothers - I miss you, truthfully. Life has been tougher than I let on, and I should have known I could call on you.
  
• My yearbook pal from college - Sorry we lived in the same city for a year and I didn't even know. You always made me laugh and smile.
  
• My navy buddies - you kept me sane in an insane time, and saved me a lot pain at least once when I was drunk.
  
• Mentor #1 - you were kind and generous and I abandoned your dream. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay.
• Mentor #2 - I wasn't there for you, but you've always been there for me. Thanks!
• Mentor #3 - You explained the power of an apology. Now I get it (Better than you?)
• My study group - I miss you all, congratulations on your successes.
• My short-lived team - I'm trying to keep in touch. Help me out guys.
• Mentor #4 - You were kind enough to tell me I was missed. You started this ball rolling.

Today is a good day to reach out to an old friend or acquaintance. Today is a good day to respond if someone reaches out to you. Really.

My mental soundtrack for this post:
Dig by Incubus
Hairshirt by REM